The Hoax Newsletter of LAcon V
Issue Infinity: Sunday August ??, 2026: PM Edition
Scuzzy Fink is Rabid
The audience for opening ceremonies was shocked when, after a two hour delay due to traffic (“No one told us that there was traffic on the L.A. freeways”) Fuzzy’s less cuddly cousin, Scuzzy Fink, ran across the stage, mouth full with white foam, trying to bite the Toastmaster. “I thought toast was supposed to be eaten.” said Scuzzy after Animal Control took him away in a cage.
Fancy Crest Accused of Sleepless Advantage
Batman’s Mom, Martha Wayne, known for her KillerBot series, objected to Fancy Crest winning the SFFFFFWA GrandMistress Award. “Since she is Sleepless, she has eight extra hours a day to write and edit,” said Wayne. “That’s not fair.” She threatened to sic KillerBot on Crest, but now that KillerBot has a TV series it just wants to watch its show.
Moderator Interrupts Own Panel to Attempt Magic
On the “Is Magic Real?” panel, the moderator, tired of just asking questions, said he would conduct an experiment to prove magic is real. He called for volunteers from the audience and announced he would prove magic existed by having them use magic to sense his presence. Someone in the audience yelled, “Yes, but their eyes are open. They can see you!” After the moderator left, red faced. Panelist Hermione Stranger used a wand to turn a teacup into a mouse. Her fellow panelist, Willow Rosenburger, levitated all the water glasses on the table, and Agent K lifted a pen that did a flash and then said, “You saw none of this.”
Restaurant Reviews
You Food – You may think a food truck charging $20 for a shrimp burrito with barely any shrimp is expensive, but this restaurant will cost you an arm and a leg, literally. The people from the Cannibalism Is Fun panel have opened up a restaurant where they will chop off your choice of body parts, cook them, and feed them to you. “It’s not technically cannibalism if the flesh you eat is your own,” said chef Brit Host. “It’s no worse than sucking on your thumb”. Ambulance trips and Emergency Room visits are not included in the price of dinner.
From the Newsy Tower
- “I’m the leader of the club,” – M.M.
- “Quack, quack, quack, @%**$@” – D.D.
- “Put me back under the ice, I can’t take this any more” – Capt A after seeing a recent newspaper.
Magical Queendom Faces Rodent & Waterfowl Infestation
The Magical Queendom down the street in L.A. has announced a temporary closure due to giant mice and ducks running rampant all over the park. “They’re huge!” said Groundskeeper Willy. “Mice and ducks as big as I am just walking in the street.” Animal Control has been called in. They say that once purged, the Magical Queendom will be the perfect place for Scuzzy to recover from his rabies. But Scuzzy does not plan to be down and out in the Magical Queendom. “Watch out Mortimer Louse,” said Scuzzy. ‘I’ll be running the place in a week.”
LAcon V Passports Needed
There are rumors of a visit by President Hump’s “NICE” stormtroopers. Be warned and aware. Have your LACon Passports all stamped and ready. The con chair has contacted Fluke Spacewalker and Princess Cinnamon Bunhair for help but they are stuck in traffic.
Remember to Hydrate
Please bring your water bottles with you wherever you go and keep them full. We have already lost six fans on the trek from the Hilton to the Convention Center under the hot L.A. sun.
Secret Programming at Worldcon?
This newsletter has learned of secret book discussions not included in the official program. But what else is left out? Is there a whole ConCurrent Anaheim with ChatGPT-free program items? Scuzzy Fink and his other cousin Fox Mulder went to investigate and Scuzzy came back with rabies. And no one has seen Fox since.
The Scuzzy Fink Capers: Issue Infinity
Fhursday, Fanstember 32, 2026, PM Edition
The Hoaxzine of LAcon V: The 84th World Science Fiction Convention
Edited by Anonymous
Published by Richard Milhouse Nixon
Copyright © 2026, The Southern California Institute for Fan Interests (SCIFI) Inc, though they’d prefer you not tell anyone.
